Who knows what started it.
I guess it woke up into it? Or maybe Chaos was already happening in the stars and I just walked into it?
Whatever the case, I felt the crankiness of life descend upon me.
Felt the irritation wanting to erupt out of my pores.
Wanting to be disagreeable, thank you very much.
So at some point I thought I better go for a long, hard bike ride and move that energy in my system.
Well, wish that made it all better.
But no.
There I was, way out in nowhere and my gears were seizing. Then jammed. Grumbling I got off the bike thinking it would be an easy fix putting the chain back. Should have know better.
I have no idea what happened or why my derailleur was completely dangling. Bottom line was I was…. [fill in the blank.]
I called my sister on video asking her what to do. She’s an amazing bike mechanic, but even my sister said, “I’ve never seen that. It’s really broken.”
You know those moments when the irritation turns into a temper tantrum… I could feel that starting to rumble inside.
AARGHHHH. Thinking I could start walking the bike home just to calm my annoyance, well, that didn’t work. Getting my hands even greasier, messier and my inner world ping ponging every which way I finally got it to a place where I could walk the bike.
Having listened to myself teach transformation for decades I asked myself what I needed. I knew I was about 1 ½ -2 hours walk from home.
My baby parts wanted to be rescued.
That’s normal I reassured myself, after which I called Jack thinking he could get a car/van and come and get me. Jack was totally willing to come get me yet… in the middle of the call I realized the car/van service had been disabled (I’ll spare you that drama).
Oh boy.
I kind of badly hung up. Then called back to apologize. Jack meanwhile was trying to problem solve and be there for me.
Nothing was working. I was spinning into poopoo land. So I decided to walk my way into a better state, internal state that is. I started coaching myself. Slowing down my breathing. Looking around outside of myself. Seeing the river. Feeling the warmth of the air.
The crankiness REALLY wanted to explode but my years of training kept urging me to harness the crankiness, inviting it to rearrange itself inside and shift into new pathways.
Step by step. Breath by breath. Rise. Crest. Fall.
I remembered a video I did where I taught about the Gratitude Hinge (yes, we do teach what we need to learn!) So, step by step… what was I grateful for?
Grateful for the irritation and the opportunity to metabolize it.
Grateful for the wonderful air on my face and body.
Grateful that I had two good working hips after getting one hip replaced last fall.
Grateful it wasn’t raining.
Grateful I had gotten as far as I did on the bike.
Grateful for the palm trees and the azur blue of the sea.
Grateful for the nice man that stopped and wanted to help – until he saw what a disaster it was.
Grateful for the classic “puff” he made letting me know THAT was beyond his paygrade.
About an hour later Jack found me on his bike to walk home with me which was really nice of him. Jack started singing in his gorgeous voice and that helped. Grateful for the sounds.
Anyway, long story…. We got home. Stored the bike, waited for the shop to open up the next day.
***
Those days. Man, can they be hard. I’m grateful for all I’ve learned from so many, from my own explorations and inquiry that allow me to turn a horrible, no-good, pain in the butt day into something better.
I’m grateful for the community of people who are practicing the simple, concrete steps that shift us from bad to better.
If it’s something you’d be interested in learning, or deepening into, or being part of an ongoing practice group that allows you to live the life you’ve always wanted to live… if that’s the case, join us in the Safely Embodied Learning Community. www.dfay.com/selc
***
We’re also exploring leading a retreat in September in the South of France. We’d love to know if you’d be interested. If you are, reply to this email!
Here’s what we know:
- Dates are in flux but we’re looking at a place for September
- It would be for Thursday – Sunday
- Costs would cover the retreat only, you’d have to cover flights, travel costs, most meals and other fun things you want to do
- In the Nice, France area which has a very accessible international airport. There’s a direct flight from Newark to Nice.