Sitting cross-legged on the floor, my retreat partner was there when the facilitator asked me to talk back to my parents.
I froze.
That moment, attending an “Intensive Inner Quest” back in the 1980s opened the door to personal development.
Two things stand out in my memory:
1. How I froze and my mind shut down
2. How my right hand reached out, involuntarily, to my partner.
On one level I thought I was pretty “comfortable” with conflict.
The experience I was in, totally imaginary, showed me something different.
It showed me the underlying fear I had of conflict and it showed me, with my hand reaching out, my attachment need for contact, safety, reassurance.
Over the years I’ve learned a great deal about the brain and our hard wired tendency toward negative stimuli. Kind of like how we’re drawn to the negative stories that abound in the news these days.
It makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. Our brain developed to a survival strategy, orienting to potential threats.
The dilemma with trauma is we live as if we’re constantly in a survival strategy – even when that’s not the present moment truth.
Training that I’ve done over the years indicates that there’s a simple way to repattern, rewire the body, mind and heart.
1. Make the situation as granular as we can, reducing the threat
2. Orient toward what’s nourishing, what’s satisfying, what’s enjoyable
3. Linger there. Savor it. Marinate in it.
4. Find the Choice Point and orient toward what's nourishing.
Finding Choice Points in every moment means we train our body, mind and heart to have the experience we want to have – instead of the experience our body is traumatically programmed to have.
Yeah, I know.
When we’re in a funk we fight, resist, dissent, refute this ways of looking at the world.
Yet the research continues to accumulate. Goodness builds goodness.
Kindness not only makes the other feel good – but we get swept into the undertow, feeling the afterglow.
These days, when I’m dealing with conflict of any kind I have a lot of different options.
Yes, I might still get triggered.
But I can pause and land in the present moment.
Decide who I want to be in regards to this situation.
Allow the stress and fear to rise, crest, and fall.
Sort out what boundaries I want to have.
Decide what kind of repair I want to initiate with this person, if at all.
All while staying connected internally, feeling solid, steady and secure.
There’s no greater feeling than knowing I’m no longer run by my past but can choose who I want to be, now.
I want the same for you.
If you're interested in exploring further, Jack and I developed an Introduction to Conflict and Repair Retreat. We designed it to give you the tools you need to make sense of this complicated subject, knowing who to repair with, why to repair, what to repair, when, and especially simple steps to know HOW to repair conflict.
Click here to learn more and to register
The retreat and its bonuses are $97.
Here's the link itself: dfay.com/repair
