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There's something making it complicated -- it's deciphering the subtext going on.
In the Becoming Safely Embodied skills we deal with the “facts” of the situation versus all the meanings, interpretations, and historical "evidence" we pile on to those facts. So, there are the bare facts of what happened...and then there is the story or subtext.
This certainly can happen in triggering relational moments when we get confused, disoriented, upset without knowing why.
The words are spoken….
...and there’s a whole lot of messaging and signaling and triggering that can happen... the “subtext” of the conversation.
That’s what your body picks up.
That’s what starts ringing all the alarm bells.
The threat system gets kindled… ricocheting throughout your body.
You might try to talk yourself out of it. You might have well-intentioned people around you who suggest you’re making too much out of nothing, that there’s nothing wrong, that you’re exaggerating – just get over it, in other words.
But the pinball machine that is now your body doesn’t quite listen to those words. You just don’t know what else to do about it.
***
I’ve known that state over the years – it’s the unfortunate side effect of a trauma history. Yes, you can sort out the signaling and triggers. And those in the Safely Embodied Learning Community are an awesome example of how people do this, every day, all day long. This is a powerful practice and life-changing.
There’s another powerful learning though.
One I’ve received from the gently encouragement of my own coach: Jack Rotondi. Who also happens to be my husband. And the CEO of my company. And the lead Becoming Safely Embodied coach.
Therapeutic psycho-educational skills, like the BSE, are excellent ways of untangling triggers.
Sometimes we also need another way. And that’s the skill of letting go of the subtext, with self-compassion.
It doesn't mean avoiding the subtext, not at all, but rather it's about being with the rise, crest and fall in a way where we can choose a more spacious perspective.
It’s one of my personal practices the last couple years.
Honestly, it makes life easier.
This is especially true with relational dynamics.
If (.... okay, really, it’s not if but when….) I get triggered because of confusing relational signaling, Jack has supported me to do something different.
Instead of first untangling the trigger (which, again, has certainly been a tremendous support to me in the past) now I gently return to the bare facts, unhooking from the subtext, if only enough to allow me a broader lens.
I redirect my focus instead of getting re-hooked, deeper into the triggered situation.
Jack reminds me how much easier life can be when I don’t promptly chase stories I've created, from a triggered state, about (______fill in the blank.)
So true.
Releasing the storyline keeps me from engaging with the triggered inner dynamics while helping me to cultivate an even more solid, more steady, more secure experience of myself in relation to others in the world. Then I can more gently and evenly return to parsing out the signaling from a more grounded place.
What a relief.
If this is something you’d like help with (or maybe someone in your life would) Jack currently has some time in his schedule. Unhooking from the subtext of life, as well as relational conflict and repair, is something Jack has successfully worked on with numerous members of our community.
Click here to email Jack to learn more about his coaching approach and experience. Or email him at [email protected]
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